Adventures of being owned by a cat.

About 3 years ago my kids started asking for a cat. I did not want a cat. We settled on getting two cats….

Someone on Facebook had two rescue cats that had, had litters of kittens and they all needed homes. After looking at pictures, we picked the two we were going to get and agreed to pick them up after Thanksgiving. Next thing I know, I’m getting a phone call saying that both the mother cats had mastitis and that I needed to come get the kittens. I told her I would have to go out and get everything as I wasn’t expecting them for another 2-3 weeks.

On my way back from the pet store, fully loaded with everything under the sun for cat care I stopped to pick up our new kittens. The woman met me at the door and ushered me in. I was expecting two, slightly young kittens. What I was handed was two, barely functioning on their own lumps of fur.

Before I agreed to pick them up, she had told me they were eating well and she would send me home with some food to transition them over to whatever we would be feeding them. I didn’t realize this meant milk replacement.

These lumps of fur were tiny and terrified. Our kids at the time were 4 and 5.

When I got home, I gave my husband that look of, “we might have a problem.” He quickly realized what I was referring to and we discussed how we would handle if one of (or both) didn’t make it.

The kids were instantly in love. I think they named them Isabella (Petra’s cat) and Ridley (Kanin’s cat). While these names didn’t stick, the cats sure did.

The first night was a disaster. They were both hungry and ate quite a bit. What we didn’t know was they hadn’t quite mastered going to the bathroom yet. After eating they played then fell asleep. Both soon woke and were obviously uncomfortable. This resulted in an explosion out both ends. It was a mess and was of course everywhere.

As time went on, the cats were still alive every morning and started learning how to thrive. Their personalities brought out their names. Ridley became Ed and Isabella became No No Bad Kitty.

No No, the main character in our story got her name one evening while sitting on my shoulder. This cat never really learned how to cat and at this point must have thought she was a parrot or scarf depending on my location.

We were watching a family movie on the couch when my husband looks at me and said, “what?” I looked over just in time for this tiny kitten to reach up and bat him across the face. Apparently she had been staring at him without blinking for some time. Looking back, this was exactly the response she was waiting for and it was a full on planned attack.

Sadly, we lost Ed that Summer. Our neighbors had a handyman that decided bringing his dog to work was a fun idea. We live on 13 acres in the country but share a driveway and backyard with them. It was a large German Shepherd that would just run loose while we worked. We never found her but realized what happened when we caught the dog attacking No No on our back porch. Needless to say the dog didn’t come back.

Over the years, No No continued to be her naughty self. She will stare at you from the kitchen table until you move in her direction then run before she can be swatted. One of her favorite things is to wake me up between 3 and 5am to be let outside. She also insists on only drinking water from the bathtub and will not eat broken pieces of food from her dish. I kid you not, she throws them out of the bowl onto the floor then cries until it is refilled with full size pieces.

Being naughty is just who she is but above all things that cat enjoys is murdering small woodland creatures. I swear its what she lives for. She has brought mice, shrews, bats and birds to the deck.

This last summer we were going to be gone so we installed a cat door so she could get into the mudroom. We did this a couple weeks before we left so she could figure out her food and water would be in there for when the house sitter wasn’t there. This room separates our laundry room from outside. On occasion our kids will forget to shut the laundry room door.

Without fail, No No will seize the opportunity to bring her new treasures through the cat door and into the house. On special occasions, she will bring them in live then release them to play with in the comfort of the climate controlled house.

Right before we left, we got home late to find the door had been left open. We walked into what looked like a murder scene. There was blood and feathers everywhere in every room of the house. This poor bird did not go without a fight. While my husband started cleaning, I got the kids to bed. Despite the mess, there was no body. No No doesn’t eat her victims. I don’t think the thought has ever even crossed her mind. We assumed she had taken it back outside.

Just as the sun started to come up the next morning, I heard what sounded like No No playing in the window blinds. I really wanted to keep sleeping but the noise persisted and I didn’t want her to wake anyone else up so I drug myself out of bed and into the living room. There is a window behind our couch and looking through it I could see No No looking from outside in. Sitting inside the window was a very much alive woodpecker who was trying to get out the window.

I woke my husband up and told him he needed to catch it. He not so happily came out asking why I didn’t just let the cat grab it as there was no way it was going to live. The bird sat quietly as he picked it up and opened the door and went to set it down. Before he could finish opening his hand, the woodpecker took off like it has just been freed from the gates of hell and was gone. The cat was looking at us with disgust then sauntered away to go find her next victim. I told my husband we had probably just released a zombie and that the apocalypse would be on our hands.

While we were away for the summer, we warned to keep the laundry room door closed to prevent unwanted guests and presents but these words went unheeded. (There is a good chance they did this to avoid contact with the cat as all 4 people reported that she would randomly attack them for no reason or that while petting her she would decide they were done and bite them.) The carpets and bedding all had to be washed. The carpet cleaner I found most have had magic coming out of their hose because they managed to get all the stains out of the carpets.

All this leads me to this fine morning. Once again, she woke me up at 5am to be let outside. Apparently she is too good for a litter box and insist on going outside. This part isn’t so bad as we no longer have a litter box. However, I enjoy my sleep and 5am is a little too early for me.

One of the games she plays is to decide after she has you up that she doesn’t really need to go out. I now just pick her up and then drop her out the door so she doesn’t have the option.

Between 5 and 7am she found a new treasure. While the kids were getting ready for school and eating breakfast I took a box I was returning out to the car. Thankfully I was looking where I was going because right in my path (I swear she put it there on purpose) was a huge rabbit. This thing is bigger than the cat. So not only did she find this poor creature, capture it and murder it but then drug it home, up a flight of stairs and through a cart door that isn’t much larger than she is.

I am now questioning whether these are gifts or her letting me know what she is capable of. Probably the later.

My Facebook memories show that we actually brought No No and Ed (may she Rest In Peace) home 3 years ago today.

While I never wanted a cat in the first place and she is a constant pain in the you know what, I find I look forward to her company. She and I hold conversations daily, for some reason she tolerates my kids and whether he likes to admit it or not, my husband adores her (Pictures upon request).

This cat will either outlive us all just out of spite or meet her end taking on a bear. Both seem completely realistic.

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